she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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