Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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