hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
