What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
