Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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