In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
