Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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