I am puke
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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