i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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