My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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