I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
