I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
