Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
