You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
