guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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