I looked at my own cervix.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
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He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
