I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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