I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
