He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
