We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
