You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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