I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
