Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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