Someone shit on the floor
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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