My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We are two peas in an std pod
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
