Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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