So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
