Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
two words...techno handjob
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
