Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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