I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
