I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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