mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
