I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
