i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
