I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I deserve this hangover.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
