My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
