When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
