We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
i believe in u and ur pee
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
