i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
