She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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