Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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