my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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