If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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