Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
