My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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