Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
