if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
