I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
