So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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