Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
