i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
