i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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